Vignette

Prelude

Hypothesis: HELL FREEZES OVER

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. There are two possible conditions.

1. One, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase exponentially until all hell breaks loose.

2. Conversely, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over, condition two.


Hell hath not broken loose yet.. Duh.. I am writing this .. A’int I? Would I be able to... if hell had broken loose?

Hence Proved: Hell's frozen over.

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The Scenario

With the proliferation of anti-spam treaties across the globe, there is only one place left to outsource junk email: Hell. Conveniently, it solves the problem of torturing damned souls who are too jaded by physical abuse, as each piece of spam is painstakingly typed. There is no cut and paste in Hell!

Hell is not wired and doesn’t even have a location which can be GPSed. Then came Wireless networking. Hell can communicate now! "Can you hear me now?"

Hell's frozen over as proven earlier. That brings up the issue of needing to use tools to help spam while hell is frozen over. Ideal Choice: COLD FUSION.

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Scene 1: Pearly Gates

A spammer with writer's block, Ms Sun Block arrives at the Pearly Gates.

St Peter: How much hath thou spameth ?
Block : I have been working for company which sells products for penile enlargement *is embarassed to say that* for the last 20 years. O! Kind Saint. Please forgive me for I have spammed.

St Peter: Thou shalt go to hell and repent for thy spams. Thou shalt spam using the most obsolete operating systems ever built.
Block : I agree I have spammed, but today is the day of reckoning, the judgment day. O! Kindest of souls, please have mercy on me. I have had a family to feed. I have never sinned, only spammed. All my life I have worked un-attached. Please have mercy on me. *looks pleadingly with gloomy eyes*

St Peter: Thou deserveth no mercy. Thou shalt have to spam in hell. *grins wickedly and remembers the movie 'A Clockwork Orange'* However I shalt provide you with a tool which shalt maketh thy life better while in hell. Here. I give you the power to use COLD FUSION
Block : Thank You, O ! Great Master. I shall try to redeem myself for all the spams I have sent.

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Scene 2: Hell

Block enters hell and it’s frozen over. The Canadians have refused to play hockey. The Packers refuse to snap the ball. Everyone is gathered around the lake of fire and are spamming in their cubicles. Block starts walking towards the lake of fire taking an occasional peep at the spammers. She realized that this is what she would be doing for the rest of her life. Wait.. This is hell. She would be doing this for eternity. And then the feeling sunk in. She suddenly realized her misery. Would she ever get out of this place? The question is not would she? It’s ... Could she? Her thoughts kept wandering over to schemes and plans and methods to get out of hell. She had never heard of anybody who had ever got out of hell. Not even as a fairy tale. Well! There’s always a first time. Her thoughts were put to an end by a mean looking ogre face looming down at her. It’s her supervisor. He’s no different from the old one back from the earth… She drifted back reminiscing the good old days when she was back at her cubicle spamming everyone and anyone. She didn’t really know how she had fallen into the trap of spamming for penile enlargement. It was probably the single most spammed thing on this side of the universe. Just the thought of working for a male organ enhancement organization excited her. “Block” said the supervisor. She looked at him. He assigned her a cubicle with a PC XT (Is there anything even worse?) with a monochrome 25 line 80 character monitor and an antiquated version of MS DOS (for Hell). She realized that Bill Gates had somehow spread his wings out here too. Block realized that she had been promised a version of Cold Fusion and asked for it. The supervisor looked at her in absolute distrust, logged into the machine and changed her permissions so that she would be able to use Cold Fusion.

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Scene 3: Day 1

She had been asked to spam. Spam HELL? How in the world or hell could she ever make up something interesting enough for even the most stupid person to want to come to hell? She started by getting a picture of the snowy banks of the lake of fire. That wouldn’t work. People hated cold weather as much as they hated hell’s hot temperatures. It really didn’t matter whether it was too hot or too cold. They always complained. More than 2/3rds of the world was filled with water. Who in this big bright world decided that the land masses and the water masses needed to be segregated? Couldn’t they have landscaped it so that we could maximize beach land area? Guess, the same one had the incredible idea creating hell. And then thought of sending all the spammers in the world there. *blood starts boiling from anger* She felt jumpy. She hadn’t felt this way in a while. She looked at the clock in front of her. Why was she even looking at the clock? Who placed the clocks here? Was there any point to it? She couldn’t leave this place anyway. She decided she would start spamming. She started looking around for more ideas on what she would need to write on. How would she glorify this place? She needed more positive thoughts on hell. This place wasn’t that bad. It was covered with snow that wouldn’t even melt from all the global warming caused by the lake of fire! Strike out the last part. Pretty white snow. There were a bunch of people sitting on the banks of the lake... getting half burnt and half frozen. A fireplace, a lake of fire in a place where it snowed like hell. She thought about her previous job spamming for penile enlargement firms. That was easy. It was her fantasy. She just had to put it in words. Coming to think of it this was sort of a fantasy too. Frozen Hell? She was going around in circles. She always came back to frozen hell. How in Hell would she ever get over this? A spammer’s writers block. That’s not at all acceptable. A writer’s block for a writer who writes a book in say six months. A spammer’s writer’s block! She wrote hundred’s perhaps thousands of spams very day. How would she be able to survive? She crouched under her cubicle staring at the lake of fire and dozed off into the night.

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Scene 4: Day2

Block woke up, a little jumpy. She stared at the lake of fire and figured out what she needed to do. She decided on getting a start by figuring out this cold fusion thingy. She booted her PC and waited for the DOS prompt. It said Hell:\LakeOfFire\Spam\Block\. She started thinking about hell. She needed to describe hell. Get a slogan, a caption, something interesting and attractive enough for people to come to hell and think they might enjoy it. She tried to think about hell and all she could think about was penile enlargement. She needs to spam. Then she had her first thought which made sense. This was Hell. There was no escape from it. There was no way she could get out of this place. There was nothing better and nothing worse than her life here. She decided to just sit relax. It would probably be worth all the burning in the lake of fire. Anything was better than being a code slave, a spam slave. She decided to quit and relaxed. Now Hell looked beautiful to her. Her supervisor came up behind and sounded just like her old alarm clock.

She woke up in a cold sweat, stared at the ceiling and decided she would not go to her 8 to 5 spamming job and relaxed smiling at her crazy dream.

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