What Should I Do If My Television Dies?
Every year we grow more and more dependent on Television. But would you know what to do if your television set suddenly went on the fritz?
You can never be sure when a television crisis will strike. Although television sets are made to exacting standards, there is always a chance that the components could fail, leaving you disconnected from the rest of the broadcasting world. It's because of that possibility that you should make alternate viewing arrangments, because no one wants to be cut-off from television's warm glowing-warming glow. We have included a few key points to help you prepare, should your television ever go down.
1. Curse!
Swearing at your television will help you vent some of your anger, allowing you to focus on more practical solutions. It's only natural to scream at inanimate objects that disappoint you, such as your golf clubs, your car battery, or your Windows operating system. Not only is cursing healthy, it also makes you feel superior. Go ahead and yell.
2. Wait For It To Come Back On
Often times, it's your cablevision that lets you down. Usually, if you stare long and hard enough, your powers of concentration will be enough to restore your connection, allowing you to continue to enjoy hour-upon-hour of fascinating mindless entertainment. By your will alone, you should be able to make your cablevision magically restore itself. If not, the mental energy you expend will make so drowsy you will nap long enough for your connection to return.
3. Slap The Side Of The TV With Your Hand
Most of the time, all you need to do is hit the side of the television to restore you to your glorious entertainment world. Give it a good slap! If this doesn't work, the time you spend in the hospital with your broken hand will be enough of a distraction to make you forget about television, at least for a short time. Hopefully, the hospital has a television in the waiting room. Next time try a clenched fist for better effect.
4. Lift The TV Off The Floor
Lifting the television a few inches off the floor is a sound solution, as the "jolting" action will either fix the problem or ensure that your box is "really" broken. This technique is very effective on computer boxen, so it's natural to assume you will have the same success with your 28" console television. Remember to lift with your legs and not your back. This is how the professionals do it.
5. Try To Fix It Yourself
Much like the time your looked under the hood of your 88' Honda Prelude, your attempt to fix the television yourself will probably be futile. However the activity will give you a false sense of confidence, making you believe that you have the knowledge required to restore quality television programming to your screen. Even if you fail, the electrical shock may jolt you into the realization that upgrading to a 36" widescreen TV when you had the money last month would have been a wise decision.
6. "Pop In" A Tape
If the only reason you're not watching Sunday football is because of a cablevision failure, you may still have a chance to watch other media on your TV screen. In the "old days," before the invention of the Internet, families passed the time playing magnetic tapes on "video cassette recorders" (VCR's), quaint little devices that allowed you to watch movies or other pre-recorded entertainment. While this technology is now obsolete, your parents may still have one of these VCRs in their basement that could theoretically be connected to your television. Check and see if they have any old recorded episodes of Hogan's Heroes or a copy of Splash. This is what they used to watch "back then."
7. Call The Repairman
While your Yellowpages are filled with advertisements offering premium television repair services, you know very well that a call to a TV service man is going to be a week-long experience. By the time you have negotiated a service call, you'll have forgotten the plot to that episode of The Sopranos. Plus, the cost of that housecall will be almost the same as a down-payment on a decent DVD player. You're be better off praying to God--because you're likely to hear back from him sooner than the repairman. And everyone knows that all TV repairmen belong to secret cults that already have your information as part of a recruiting project, and you know they're just waiting to "convert" you.
8. Play A "Board Game"
In the days before television, families and friends used to play "board" games, ancient recreational activities that required vast amounts of patience, and always included rolling dice, moving tokens, and cheating. Games such as Monopoly, Sorry, And Happiness were designed to pass the night away, much like reality television does for today's modern family. But these games almost always lead to massacres, or at least divorce. Be careful if you choose to play a board game, because the experience will almost certainly end in violence.
9. Put Your Foot Through The Tube
The frustration of losing your window to the world will cause people to do many radical things. However, venting your frustrations with physical violence toward inanimate objects is sometimes the perfect solution. Go ahead, put your booted foot to the screen. It won't make TV come back, but at least you'll have the satisfaction of showing your television who's really the master. You may also effect the same level of damage with a baseball bat, cinder block, or grandma's fruit cake.
10. Put Yourself Into Debt And Buy A Big-screen
Pull yourself together! You know you've been waiting two years for your piece-of-sh*t no-name brand television to bite the big one. Sure it's going to be hard to convince your spouse that you "need" to have that 50" plasma screen more than she needs to have the mini-van replaced, but if you can pull that off, you will be the envy of your friends, and even the cheesiest Sci-Fi cable series will seem like billion-dollar George Lucas productions. Damn the kids' braces and college funds! Don't forget the surround-sound audio components and the console gaming systems, because if you're going to go into debt, you might as well enjoy your "cocooning" time, because you won't be able to afford to go out until there's a Democrat sitting in the White House.
Hopefully some of these television alternatives will be able to assist you during your period of interrupted television service. But remember to have an emergency plan in case your television down-time is longer than you expect.
You can never be sure when a television crisis will strike. Although television sets are made to exacting standards, there is always a chance that the components could fail, leaving you disconnected from the rest of the broadcasting world. It's because of that possibility that you should make alternate viewing arrangments, because no one wants to be cut-off from television's warm glowing-warming glow. We have included a few key points to help you prepare, should your television ever go down.
1. Curse!
Swearing at your television will help you vent some of your anger, allowing you to focus on more practical solutions. It's only natural to scream at inanimate objects that disappoint you, such as your golf clubs, your car battery, or your Windows operating system. Not only is cursing healthy, it also makes you feel superior. Go ahead and yell.
2. Wait For It To Come Back On
Often times, it's your cablevision that lets you down. Usually, if you stare long and hard enough, your powers of concentration will be enough to restore your connection, allowing you to continue to enjoy hour-upon-hour of fascinating mindless entertainment. By your will alone, you should be able to make your cablevision magically restore itself. If not, the mental energy you expend will make so drowsy you will nap long enough for your connection to return.
3. Slap The Side Of The TV With Your Hand
Most of the time, all you need to do is hit the side of the television to restore you to your glorious entertainment world. Give it a good slap! If this doesn't work, the time you spend in the hospital with your broken hand will be enough of a distraction to make you forget about television, at least for a short time. Hopefully, the hospital has a television in the waiting room. Next time try a clenched fist for better effect.
4. Lift The TV Off The Floor
Lifting the television a few inches off the floor is a sound solution, as the "jolting" action will either fix the problem or ensure that your box is "really" broken. This technique is very effective on computer boxen, so it's natural to assume you will have the same success with your 28" console television. Remember to lift with your legs and not your back. This is how the professionals do it.
5. Try To Fix It Yourself
Much like the time your looked under the hood of your 88' Honda Prelude, your attempt to fix the television yourself will probably be futile. However the activity will give you a false sense of confidence, making you believe that you have the knowledge required to restore quality television programming to your screen. Even if you fail, the electrical shock may jolt you into the realization that upgrading to a 36" widescreen TV when you had the money last month would have been a wise decision.
6. "Pop In" A Tape
If the only reason you're not watching Sunday football is because of a cablevision failure, you may still have a chance to watch other media on your TV screen. In the "old days," before the invention of the Internet, families passed the time playing magnetic tapes on "video cassette recorders" (VCR's), quaint little devices that allowed you to watch movies or other pre-recorded entertainment. While this technology is now obsolete, your parents may still have one of these VCRs in their basement that could theoretically be connected to your television. Check and see if they have any old recorded episodes of Hogan's Heroes or a copy of Splash. This is what they used to watch "back then."
7. Call The Repairman
While your Yellowpages are filled with advertisements offering premium television repair services, you know very well that a call to a TV service man is going to be a week-long experience. By the time you have negotiated a service call, you'll have forgotten the plot to that episode of The Sopranos. Plus, the cost of that housecall will be almost the same as a down-payment on a decent DVD player. You're be better off praying to God--because you're likely to hear back from him sooner than the repairman. And everyone knows that all TV repairmen belong to secret cults that already have your information as part of a recruiting project, and you know they're just waiting to "convert" you.
8. Play A "Board Game"
In the days before television, families and friends used to play "board" games, ancient recreational activities that required vast amounts of patience, and always included rolling dice, moving tokens, and cheating. Games such as Monopoly, Sorry, And Happiness were designed to pass the night away, much like reality television does for today's modern family. But these games almost always lead to massacres, or at least divorce. Be careful if you choose to play a board game, because the experience will almost certainly end in violence.
9. Put Your Foot Through The Tube
The frustration of losing your window to the world will cause people to do many radical things. However, venting your frustrations with physical violence toward inanimate objects is sometimes the perfect solution. Go ahead, put your booted foot to the screen. It won't make TV come back, but at least you'll have the satisfaction of showing your television who's really the master. You may also effect the same level of damage with a baseball bat, cinder block, or grandma's fruit cake.
10. Put Yourself Into Debt And Buy A Big-screen
Pull yourself together! You know you've been waiting two years for your piece-of-sh*t no-name brand television to bite the big one. Sure it's going to be hard to convince your spouse that you "need" to have that 50" plasma screen more than she needs to have the mini-van replaced, but if you can pull that off, you will be the envy of your friends, and even the cheesiest Sci-Fi cable series will seem like billion-dollar George Lucas productions. Damn the kids' braces and college funds! Don't forget the surround-sound audio components and the console gaming systems, because if you're going to go into debt, you might as well enjoy your "cocooning" time, because you won't be able to afford to go out until there's a Democrat sitting in the White House.
Hopefully some of these television alternatives will be able to assist you during your period of interrupted television service. But remember to have an emergency plan in case your television down-time is longer than you expect.
posted by sasmo at 7/03/2004 10:06:00 AM
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